whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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