yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
