There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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