Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
