At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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