i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
