So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.