p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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