you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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