i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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