I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
