just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
