Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So many bounce houses so little time
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
