If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
