Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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