So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
