Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
