I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
