I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
