im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
