UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
