I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
