I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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