the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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