hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
