I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize