I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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