I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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