you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
