I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
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the night ended with taco bell and tears
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
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i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍