Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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