So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
