how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
