Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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