Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
