if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
