Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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