Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
