yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
