Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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