I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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