now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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