My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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