the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
