I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
