idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
