i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
