Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
