I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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