I accidentally burped into my bong.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
