I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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