Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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