So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
