I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dignity is for republicans.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
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How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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