my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you would pick up someone in the library
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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