Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
