I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
